Bilingual weddings: there's not just one way to do them!

Couple embrace at the “golden hour” after their wedding ceremony in Rome. Photo by Light & Dreams

Working in Italy we do many weddings in Italian and English. Sometimes one of the couple is Italian and the other from an English speaking country (or their shared language is English). Other times, both are Italian but they live and work overseas and have many international guests and therefore want to include them in their ceremony. For these reasons, we work with them to decide the best way to create a bilingual wedding ceremony.

There are various ways to do this and it’s a good idea to evaluate all your options before you start crafting the ceremony with your celebrant.

The celebrant’s role

One way is for the celebrant to write the script in both languages and officiate the entire ceremony alternating between the two. For example, after an introduction in Italian, it is then given in English, and so on for each part of the ceremony. This way everyone present can understand the whole ceremony, however it can make the ceremony a little long, and for those who understand both languages, it could potentially be repetitive.

video clip of celebrant Sarah Morgan in bilingual wedding ceremony in Italian and English in Puglia

To avoid this “consecutive translation” effect, the celebrant could welcome everybody in both languages, and then weave the other parts of the ceremony together using both languages but not in an exact translation. For example, in the Love Story (which is often the most personal and detailed elements the ceremony) the celebrant would use both languages so that all the guests are able to follow the story but without having to hear each detail twice, or laugh at the jokes again. This is a great challenge for the celebrant — a challenge we rise to with pleasure! — but it is usually very successful, inclusive, and emotional for both sides.

In either case, we advise switching over to the second language frequently so that guests do not have to sit through long spells without understanding anything..

A third way, especially if there is a small minority present who only understand one of the languages, would be to welcome them at the beginning and present the couple at the end in their own language. (We have actually done this in many different languages, even ones we don’t speak but it’s always nice to learn how to pronounce a short phrase!). Aside from these moments, the translation of the rest of the ceremony would be printed in advance in the form of a booklet. When the guests take their seats, they will find the booklet and be able to read along.

This format can also be used successfully for other parts of the ceremony such as readings. For example, we have done quite a few bilingual weddings where the couple chooses one reading in English and one in Italian and the translations are provided.

The vows

The vows can be the trickiest part of a bilingual wedding. What you certainly don’t want is for the guests to be able to read the vows before hearing the words from the couple! For this reason it is not a good idea to include them in any translation of the whole or parts of the ceremony.

So what should you do?

One way, even if the couple are both of the same mother-tongue, is for them to write their vows in a mixture of both. For example, Federica and Andrea chose to do this since, even though they are both Italian, they live international lives. They felt that using some English in their vows reflected their life and love, and it didn’t matter that not everybody could follow every word.

Little boy handing out vows at a bilingual wedding ceremony

Another way is to hand out the vows in a written form just before the couple pronounces them, which is what Valentina and Salvatore chose to do. This can be a nice way to include children who can be given the task of distributing them to your guests. Naturally, this involves the celebrant having previously translated them and/or having kept them away from everyone until that moment.

Video clip of bilingual ring exchange in Italian and English in Rome by Diego Mercadante

Another way that we have found to be very touching is for each person to pronounce their vows in the language of the other. This is what Nicoletta and Dàire chose to do when they exchanged rings. Hearing the bride speak to the groom in his language, and vice versa, before their families and friends from both backgrounds, was a very romantic and emotional moment and certainly showed their commitment to accepting one another’s language and cultured including their new families.

It’s your wedding: stand (or sit) where you want!

Celebrant Clarissa Botsford smiling as the seated couple look at each other while holding hands. Photo by Inesse Handmade Photography. Wedding Planner: Mediterranea Wedding and Flowers

At a traditional wedding in Italy, be it a religious or civil ceremony, couples usually stand (or sit) with their backs to their guests, facing the priest or officiant. If you don’t tell the venue or your wedding planner your preference, this is usually how they will place you. But, this way you miss out on seeing your guests’ reactions and interacting with them, and they miss out on seeing the emotion on your faces (which, if we’re honest, is the thing that they most want to see!). However, in a celebrant-led wedding, there are no rules; as with every other aspect of your wedding, you are totally free to decide what’s best for you. Here are some suggestions about positioning that can make the experience of your wedding ceremony better for you and your guests.

One simple but powerful change is to stand (or sit) facing one another so that you can see and feel each other’s emotions, smiles, and tears. This position allows you to turn slightly towards your guests in the lighter moments of the ceremony, such as the love story, and thus include them.  You can then turn your gaze back to one another in the more emotionally-charged moments exclusive to you, such as exchanging your personal vows, or during a special ritual.

Celebrant Sarah Morgan standing in the middle of the couple who for the vows face each other but her are facing slightly outwards and are interacting with their guests. Photo by Monica Leggio. Venue: Villa Pianciani (Spoleto, Umbria). Wedding Planners: Bianco Antico & Laura Bravi Events.

Whether to sit or stand is another choice and it depends on the length or your ceremony and the position you are more comfortable with. Sitting can be a good option if you are planning on involving other people in the ceremony in readings, music, or speeches. If sitting, sit together at a slight angle so you can follow the celebrant and see and interact with the guests. Naturally, if you choose this option, you would stand up for the part in which you are the complete, for the vows and the ring exchange.

Beach wedding with brides sitting to the side with celebrant in the middle (where they will go to say their vows) and reader on the other side

There are no hard and fast rules about who should be on what side, either. Traditionally, the bride was on the left, so that the groom’s sword-hand was free to defend her. In a Jewish wedding, the bride stands to the right of the groom under the Chuppah. In a celebrant-led wedding, you can choose. One of you may think you look better in the photos on one side rather than the other. Again, it’s your wedding so you get to decide.

Similarly, your guests do not have to sit in two different aisles. You can encourage them to mix. Or you can create a semi-circle around the focus — especially in a smaller wedding.

Another small variation can truly revolutionize the ceremony: your celebrant can be positioned away from the focus, for the whole ceremony or for parts of it, so that your guests — and very importantly the photographers — have you and only you in their sights, with nothing else in the frame. The celebrant can stand to one side, not too far away, so that you can maintain eye contact and hear the all-important words of the ceremony. 

Whatever you do, make sure it is your decision. Your celebrant should be open to discussing all your options and explaining the advantages and disadvantages of them.

What is a micro wedding? Why have one instead of a traditional wedding?

Micro weddings is the current buzz word for small, intimate weddings, generally considered those with no more than 20-30 guests. They are also sometimes known as “minimonies”. They should not be confused with elopements, which are weddings with just the couple and the celebrant.

For obvious reasons, they have become a trend in 2020, but in fact many couples were already having them before, especially those who chose to have destination weddings.

Celebrant Sarah Morgan during Emily and Ben’s wedding ceremony an olive grove. Photo by Chris & Ruth

As celebrants working in Italy, we have done many weddings now considered “micro” and from this experience can talk about why some couples choose them over large, traditional weddings.

The wedding ceremony in its essence is about two people standing before their most intimate loved ones and vowing to pledge their lives to one another. A micro wedding ceremony can be very powerful because everyone there is particularly emotionally involved in the moment. It may also mean that the guests were more hands-on in the preparation. For example, at Silvia and Elliot’s wedding when I arrived hours before the ceremony I found their friends and family setting up the chairs and arranging the flowers. It is also easier to involve all the guests in symbolic rituals such as ring warming or forming a circle around the couple if the group is small, such as with Paige and David’s wedding. Some couples, especially shy or reserved ones, find traditional weddings, in which they would be the focus of attention in a large public setting, too much pressure, and so a micro wedding can be the solution.

Video of ring warming during wedding ceremony at intimate wedding in Italy with celebrant Clarissa Botsford looking on

For many couples, having fewer guests to worry about means that they can be more relaxed during the preparation phase and above all on the big day. It means they can spend more time with each guest.

Cost may also be a reason for the couple not to have a large wedding, but some couples, instead of saving money, chose to spend more days with their guests. For example, Ben and Emily from New Zealand had their wedding ceremony at the end of a week spent with their dearest friends and family members so it came as a culmination of an amazing sojourn, of a shared experience.

From the celebrant’s point of view, I have to admit I love to do weddings without a microphone. It is also easier to be flexible in terms of when to start the ceremony in case of shifting weather if there are fewer guests to shepherd around.

That said, micro weddings are not for everyone. Many couples dream about having large weddings and they have their own advantages. Disappointing family members and friends by not inviting them to your small wedding is undoubtedly the biggest drawback. However, they can be combined with a party or a series of celebrations in order to share the experience with everyone (perhaps even projecting images of the wedding ceremony).

Trust Yourselves: Make Your Wedding Ceremony Authentic

How a celebrant can help

When you are planning your wedding ceremony together, the first questions you will be asking yourselves are: Who should we invite? When should we do it? Where shall we do it? These questions are part of the planning phase.

With your celebrant, you will enter into a more creative phase, when your personalised ceremony will begin to take shape. The celebrant will ask you questions that will probe more deeply into your motivations: how did you arrive at the decision to get married? How do you imagine your ceremony? How will you give the ceremony meaning?

An infinity knot with three colours, two strands representing the couple’s past and one symbolising their future

Photography: Sofia Rebicek and Massimiliano Esposito, Light & Dreams

““Creation is not about giving the ceremony meaning or what it should mean; it is about uncovering what it means to you.””

Once you have found the answers to these questions, with your celebrant’s guidance, you will be ready to start thinking about what will make your ceremony truly yours and truly authentic. 

Every element of your ceremony should have a real connection with you or your lives. You are at the centre of your ceremony, and anything that has meaning for you will make the ritual meaningful.

If the venue you choose has some meaning for you, and the personal promises you exchange come from inside you and your own experience, you and everyone participating will take that meaning away with them.

Trust your instincts and find the source of your meaning from inside you.

“The creative process grows out of our human need to mark an occasion or a life event as being special. Primal ritual materials include people, participation and place; from these three sources come the words, gestures and objects that anchor ritual in reality.””

Your celebrant will advise you that in a ceremony, simplicity conveys meaning more effectively. Complexity can create confusion and take people’s attention from you, who are at the centre.

Your celebrant helps you relate your personal content to the form of the ceremony, so that the essence of who you are and why you are celebrating is always clear.

Bride reading her vow to her bridegroom with them wearing crowns, which derives from the bridegroom’s background. Photo by Sotiris Tsakanikas

Similarly, if you choose a symbolic rite for your wedding (sand ceremony, wine ceremony, handfasting, etc.) your celebrant will help you create a context for this choice to show how this rite belongs to you and your ceremony rather than being “borrowed”, or she or he will help you to create a new one.

In both these ways, your ceremony will be authentic and unique. Yours and yours only. 

In a wedding ceremony, your relationship is at the centre of the ceremony, with your family and friends participating actively with their presence (and sometimes in other ways).  

A professional celebrant is essential to preside over the ceremony and keep you and your partner “in the frame”, leaving you both free to concentrate fully on one another and to relax and enjoy this highly significant and emotional moment in your life.

(The quotes are from Jeltje Gordon Lennox, Crafting Secular Ritual, 2017)

9 ideas for remembering lost loved ones in your wedding ceremony

A video clip of an example of how to remember loved ones in a wedding ceremony with celebrant Clarissa Botsford

There are so many ways to remember a relative or loved one as an integral part of your personalised wedding.  After all, your wedding day is a way to celebrate with the people you love. The need to remember and honour a deceased loved one is especially strong if it is a family member you have always imagined would be there on this most special day and their absence is felt all the more keenly. 

It is part of our role as celebrants to help you as a couple to work out how to acknowledge them in your unique ceremony, crafting the words until everybody feels comfortable with them and that help to create an atmosphere of shared emotion that blesses your day, or, if you do not want anything said, finding a private way to represent their presence.  

Here are 9 ideas of remembering your loved ones who are deceased:

1. Keep a seat reserved. 

   One of our brides kept a front-row chair aside for her twin sister who had sadly died. She thought it would be too difficult to have anything said, but the rose on the seat was a reassuring presence for her and the space did not feel empty; it was filled with love and good memories. 

2. Include them in your symbolic rite 

   A glass raised, for example, during a wine ceremony, or an extra layer of a differently coloured sand to add in their name. An added ribbon or cord during a hand-fasting, or a close relative laying the ribbon or cord on your hands in their name, could be very effective. Your loved one would be forever woven into your life, or tied into your infinity knot. 

3. Have a moment of reflection. 

   Of course, you do not want to transform your wedding day into a memorial service, but a subtly-written, even humorous, mention of the importance of that person in your life and the role they will continue to play throughout your marriage, can be very powerful. A moment of silence with some music that evokes their memory is another way to honour them.  

4. Dedicate a reading or a piece of music they would have chosen 

   Dedicating a reading to someone — perhaps an excerpt from a story they once read to you, a poem you know they loved, or something like a letter they wrote to you —or a piece of music that somehow captures their essence can be very uplifting. 

5. Have an open locket with a photograph arranged into your bouquet 

   This is a very subtle, and intimate, way to remember someone you love. You can hold the locket for extra luck while you are saying your vows, or simply feel that person’s presence, lending you strength. 

6. Wear something special on the day 

   Another even more subtle way to honour someone’s memory is simply to wear something of theirs on the day (“something old…”) 

7. Include a favourite recipe in the refreshments 

   Call it something special on the menu like “Nonna Vincenza’s top tiramisu”. 

8. Include something in the Programme Booklet 

   A photo, an anecdote, a joke, a favourite short poem, could be included in the wedding booklet as a way to underline their presence on the day. 

9. Give a close relative of the deceased a special role in the ceremony 

   If your father has died, for example, maybe his brother can take you down the aisle? Or have the first dance.  

   A few words of advice … 

If it is one of your parents who has passed away, do not include them on the wedding invitation as if they were hosting the event since this may be difficult for guests to interpret. 

If you are planning something in your personalised ceremony to remember a loved one, it is a good idea to check with your closest family and theirs (a second marriage, perhaps?) to make sure they are okay with it. The last thing you want is to create a scene on your wedding day. 

And remember, there is no one right way to remember a loved one. Talk through the options with your celebrant and think about how you will feel on the big day as some ways may be too emotional for you.

How to choose a wedding celebrant in Italy

In this video clip Sarah gives a few tips about how to choose your celebrant emphasising the importance of training, experience as well as rapport.. All of our celebrants here at Passaggi completed training courses and are certified celebrants.

Video clip with celebrant Sarah Morgan about how to choose your wedding celebrant in Italy.